I don't know why but for the last few weeks I've been such a depressed wee soul. I don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself - but I kind of do.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just down ALL the time.
I feel like there is no point in me living at home. I don't feel like I belong at all.
Ever since I got my car I'm at my house less and less frequently and I feel like I'm living as a guest - I don't feel like part of the family. Even before I got my car actually. Sure me and my Dad are close but not in the way I could tell him everything.
Surely that's what family should be? People you can come home and tell everything to. My family seriously know so little about me. I feel like I'm a stranger to them. I don't feel like I can tell them anything.
Me and my Mum don't get on at all. Like, at all. Sometimes fair enough we will have a cute day and spend it together or I'll be nice to her and we will hug and stuff. But we never talk. Never share. Whenever we have days together she usually takes me shopping and it's come to the point where I think she thinks she needs to buy me things for me to 'like' her for a day. I realise that comes across as me being a petulant teenager who is demanding she buys me things - so totally far from the truth. I don't 'like' her because of that, just if we are spending the day together then I will make an effort to be nice. But it always seems like an effort. She's such a downright nasty person sometimes. Not a nasty parent like not letting me have my own way or anything - I mean like a mean human being. And she's on drugs all the time. Fair enough its not hardcore drugs but how can she not think that its gonna fuck me up in some way?
I feel like I'm being fake and portraying the image of someone who cares. I feel like this in most of my life actually. Like I'm putting someone across that other people will like, or who people expect me to be.
I was speaking to my best friend the other night and there is like nothing for me to be here for. If I wasn't here any more nothing would change. Mum and Dad would be upset but I don't feel like anyone else would care. Sure, my best friend would. Maybe a couple others would be a bit upset but there's nothing for me here. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here - not straight away, but in the long run. Nothing else would be affected, nobody would care in the long run.
I could spend the next few weeks going to college, going to work and then going home and I don't think anyone would even be concerned.
I used to use pain when I felt like this - it was a couple of years ago and it hasn't crossed my mind to start doing it again since until now. It used to feel better, like something only I knew, a way to actually feel something. I feel as though its a way for me to get some of the pain in my head out. I know I shouldn't. But it might be something that will help me get back on track.
All I have wanted to do recently is sit in my room and cry. I've actually (and I don't care how pathetic it sounds) cried to sleep for the last three nights.
Nobody can help - there's nothing they can say.
Need to get out this on my own I guess.
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