See when you have created a situation and you pretty much know its all your fault and have no idea how to change it? WELCOME TO MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I had a perfectly good thing going on, but no no, had to go ruin it.
Basically had the best person in the world as a friend - a total fuck up and not right in the head, bit of a cunt.. perfect! There was never anyway I was getting judged, or looked down on.. anything!
Even when everyone was convinced there was more than friendship there it was easy to deny because there genuinely wasn't - or if there was I wasn't about to ruin a friendship on a stupid wee crush. So, agreed? no feelings. good.
We talked about everything.. like.. everything. I didn't think there was anything I couldn't say. There was never awkward silences. I used to be so close to them, at least once a week we would go get food, and have a good catch up and a laugh.
We used to.. I cant actually emphasise enough how much I used to share with them. If there was any family problems it would be them that I would go to, if my other friends were being cunts it would be them that I would phone up nearly crying and pick up in the car and they would always make me feel better, or at least take my mind off of it for a while.
It wasn't one sided - I mean, I tried my hardest to be there for them too, and I think they appreciated it. Whenever they were upset I'd try to help, I'd let them hang about if there was nowhere else for them to go - I let them sleep in my fucking bed while I made food for them for crying out loud.
Everyone had an opinion on what was going on, sure, some stuff had went on but I was determined that it wouldn't change anything. Or go any further. So it was easy for me to tell people nothing was happening - because nothing was!
Then being the fucking bright spark I am, I decided that going home to theirs after a night out would be the best idea in the world. Yeah, good choice there. After trying (and failing) to sneak out the next morning, I said nothing would change - it was just sex.
I genuinely feel that. I don't see why sex has to complicate things. I don't see why you have to have feelings for someone to sleep with them - why cant you just care about them like a friend? I don't know if I'm being 'slutty' but I've always thought like that, and whats more, he knows I feel like that cause I've done things like that before.
Probably didn't help that after I went to mines and fell into bed I got texts because everyone had found out.
Now, this is the part where it gets.. complicated. Someone in his work made a joke that we had slept together and being the fucking idiot he is, and the worlds worst liar, pretty much was noway he was getting out of that one. Clearly it didn't run through his mind that 1) I had been home for about 30 minutes, why would the first thing I do be to tell everyone I know about us? no. I was planning on taking it to the grave, and forgetting that it ever happened. 2) If I was going to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell someone who knows people from his work, and all my friends would keep it a secret.
As it was, I hadn't told anyone. I was trying to go to sleep and hopefully waking up to it being a dream. My friends were now all raging at me that it was spreading through our town before they knew.
So, been awake about an hour, everyone knew and all my friends hated me.. what a day this was turning out to be.
Well, I shouldn't say all my friends, one of them still spoke to me.
Okay, you get the basic gist of whats lead up to this.. now take a moment and wonder how this is going to progress, you probably have three clear paths in your mind. 1) A relationship 'blossomed' 2) We did what I suggested and wanted and remained friends 3) We don't speak and everything is fucked up.
1) hahahahahahaha don't make me laugh. I have more chance of fitting into a size 4 dress than that.
2) ahhahahahahaha don't make me laugh. As though anything would ever be simple. It could have been.. but no no.
3) Well duh.
Its so annoying. Its like he is pretending everything is fine... but isn't speaking to me. Ive made the effort like... three times? I'm sick of it. Yet I want to still keep making the effort because if I don't then imma loose him and I miss him as a friend so much.
Like, its different having boy mates and girl mates, I don't care what you say. With girls its gonna be all bitchy, your gonna get judged and moaned about. It wasn't like that.. I was a 'bro', and I know I helped him through some stuff. I don't care if he tries to deny it. I did.
I don't get how he can just not speak to me. Like fair enough if I was like mad deluded and thought he cared or something and in reality I was dragging him out once a week. But it wasn't.
I don't know if he thinks I have suddenly changed my mind about all my life principals and now want a relationship or will expect something.. or have developed feelings... no. It's just sex. Please put on your big boy pants and get over it. I just want to be normal again, be friends, go for food, watch family guy. BE BACK TO NORMAL.
And I don't understand how he can be unaffected by this.
And its doing my head in.
And I want to cry.
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