I don't know why but for the last few weeks I've been such a depressed wee soul. I don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself - but I kind of do.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just down ALL the time.
I feel like there is no point in me living at home. I don't feel like I belong at all.
Ever since I got my car I'm at my house less and less frequently and I feel like I'm living as a guest - I don't feel like part of the family. Even before I got my car actually. Sure me and my Dad are close but not in the way I could tell him everything.
Surely that's what family should be? People you can come home and tell everything to. My family seriously know so little about me. I feel like I'm a stranger to them. I don't feel like I can tell them anything.
Me and my Mum don't get on at all. Like, at all. Sometimes fair enough we will have a cute day and spend it together or I'll be nice to her and we will hug and stuff. But we never talk. Never share. Whenever we have days together she usually takes me shopping and it's come to the point where I think she thinks she needs to buy me things for me to 'like' her for a day. I realise that comes across as me being a petulant teenager who is demanding she buys me things - so totally far from the truth. I don't 'like' her because of that, just if we are spending the day together then I will make an effort to be nice. But it always seems like an effort. She's such a downright nasty person sometimes. Not a nasty parent like not letting me have my own way or anything - I mean like a mean human being. And she's on drugs all the time. Fair enough its not hardcore drugs but how can she not think that its gonna fuck me up in some way?
I feel like I'm being fake and portraying the image of someone who cares. I feel like this in most of my life actually. Like I'm putting someone across that other people will like, or who people expect me to be.
I was speaking to my best friend the other night and there is like nothing for me to be here for. If I wasn't here any more nothing would change. Mum and Dad would be upset but I don't feel like anyone else would care. Sure, my best friend would. Maybe a couple others would be a bit upset but there's nothing for me here. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here - not straight away, but in the long run. Nothing else would be affected, nobody would care in the long run.
I could spend the next few weeks going to college, going to work and then going home and I don't think anyone would even be concerned.
I used to use pain when I felt like this - it was a couple of years ago and it hasn't crossed my mind to start doing it again since until now. It used to feel better, like something only I knew, a way to actually feel something. I feel as though its a way for me to get some of the pain in my head out. I know I shouldn't. But it might be something that will help me get back on track.
All I have wanted to do recently is sit in my room and cry. I've actually (and I don't care how pathetic it sounds) cried to sleep for the last three nights.
Nobody can help - there's nothing they can say.
Need to get out this on my own I guess.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Monday, 24 September 2012
emotionally dead vs emotional wreak
See when you have created a situation and you pretty much know its all your fault and have no idea how to change it? WELCOME TO MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I had a perfectly good thing going on, but no no, had to go ruin it.
Basically had the best person in the world as a friend - a total fuck up and not right in the head, bit of a cunt.. perfect! There was never anyway I was getting judged, or looked down on.. anything!
Even when everyone was convinced there was more than friendship there it was easy to deny because there genuinely wasn't - or if there was I wasn't about to ruin a friendship on a stupid wee crush. So, agreed? no feelings. good.
We talked about everything.. like.. everything. I didn't think there was anything I couldn't say. There was never awkward silences. I used to be so close to them, at least once a week we would go get food, and have a good catch up and a laugh.
We used to.. I cant actually emphasise enough how much I used to share with them. If there was any family problems it would be them that I would go to, if my other friends were being cunts it would be them that I would phone up nearly crying and pick up in the car and they would always make me feel better, or at least take my mind off of it for a while.
It wasn't one sided - I mean, I tried my hardest to be there for them too, and I think they appreciated it. Whenever they were upset I'd try to help, I'd let them hang about if there was nowhere else for them to go - I let them sleep in my fucking bed while I made food for them for crying out loud.
Everyone had an opinion on what was going on, sure, some stuff had went on but I was determined that it wouldn't change anything. Or go any further. So it was easy for me to tell people nothing was happening - because nothing was!
Then being the fucking bright spark I am, I decided that going home to theirs after a night out would be the best idea in the world. Yeah, good choice there. After trying (and failing) to sneak out the next morning, I said nothing would change - it was just sex.
I genuinely feel that. I don't see why sex has to complicate things. I don't see why you have to have feelings for someone to sleep with them - why cant you just care about them like a friend? I don't know if I'm being 'slutty' but I've always thought like that, and whats more, he knows I feel like that cause I've done things like that before.
Probably didn't help that after I went to mines and fell into bed I got texts because everyone had found out.
Now, this is the part where it gets.. complicated. Someone in his work made a joke that we had slept together and being the fucking idiot he is, and the worlds worst liar, pretty much was noway he was getting out of that one. Clearly it didn't run through his mind that 1) I had been home for about 30 minutes, why would the first thing I do be to tell everyone I know about us? no. I was planning on taking it to the grave, and forgetting that it ever happened. 2) If I was going to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell someone who knows people from his work, and all my friends would keep it a secret.
As it was, I hadn't told anyone. I was trying to go to sleep and hopefully waking up to it being a dream. My friends were now all raging at me that it was spreading through our town before they knew.
So, been awake about an hour, everyone knew and all my friends hated me.. what a day this was turning out to be.
Well, I shouldn't say all my friends, one of them still spoke to me.
Okay, you get the basic gist of whats lead up to this.. now take a moment and wonder how this is going to progress, you probably have three clear paths in your mind. 1) A relationship 'blossomed' 2) We did what I suggested and wanted and remained friends 3) We don't speak and everything is fucked up.
1) hahahahahahaha don't make me laugh. I have more chance of fitting into a size 4 dress than that.
2) ahhahahahahaha don't make me laugh. As though anything would ever be simple. It could have been.. but no no.
3) Well duh.
Its so annoying. Its like he is pretending everything is fine... but isn't speaking to me. Ive made the effort like... three times? I'm sick of it. Yet I want to still keep making the effort because if I don't then imma loose him and I miss him as a friend so much.
Like, its different having boy mates and girl mates, I don't care what you say. With girls its gonna be all bitchy, your gonna get judged and moaned about. It wasn't like that.. I was a 'bro', and I know I helped him through some stuff. I don't care if he tries to deny it. I did.
I don't get how he can just not speak to me. Like fair enough if I was like mad deluded and thought he cared or something and in reality I was dragging him out once a week. But it wasn't.
I don't know if he thinks I have suddenly changed my mind about all my life principals and now want a relationship or will expect something.. or have developed feelings... no. It's just sex. Please put on your big boy pants and get over it. I just want to be normal again, be friends, go for food, watch family guy. BE BACK TO NORMAL.
And I don't understand how he can be unaffected by this.
And its doing my head in.
And I want to cry.
I had a perfectly good thing going on, but no no, had to go ruin it.
Basically had the best person in the world as a friend - a total fuck up and not right in the head, bit of a cunt.. perfect! There was never anyway I was getting judged, or looked down on.. anything!
Even when everyone was convinced there was more than friendship there it was easy to deny because there genuinely wasn't - or if there was I wasn't about to ruin a friendship on a stupid wee crush. So, agreed? no feelings. good.
We talked about everything.. like.. everything. I didn't think there was anything I couldn't say. There was never awkward silences. I used to be so close to them, at least once a week we would go get food, and have a good catch up and a laugh.
We used to.. I cant actually emphasise enough how much I used to share with them. If there was any family problems it would be them that I would go to, if my other friends were being cunts it would be them that I would phone up nearly crying and pick up in the car and they would always make me feel better, or at least take my mind off of it for a while.
It wasn't one sided - I mean, I tried my hardest to be there for them too, and I think they appreciated it. Whenever they were upset I'd try to help, I'd let them hang about if there was nowhere else for them to go - I let them sleep in my fucking bed while I made food for them for crying out loud.
Everyone had an opinion on what was going on, sure, some stuff had went on but I was determined that it wouldn't change anything. Or go any further. So it was easy for me to tell people nothing was happening - because nothing was!
Then being the fucking bright spark I am, I decided that going home to theirs after a night out would be the best idea in the world. Yeah, good choice there. After trying (and failing) to sneak out the next morning, I said nothing would change - it was just sex.
I genuinely feel that. I don't see why sex has to complicate things. I don't see why you have to have feelings for someone to sleep with them - why cant you just care about them like a friend? I don't know if I'm being 'slutty' but I've always thought like that, and whats more, he knows I feel like that cause I've done things like that before.
Probably didn't help that after I went to mines and fell into bed I got texts because everyone had found out.
Now, this is the part where it gets.. complicated. Someone in his work made a joke that we had slept together and being the fucking idiot he is, and the worlds worst liar, pretty much was noway he was getting out of that one. Clearly it didn't run through his mind that 1) I had been home for about 30 minutes, why would the first thing I do be to tell everyone I know about us? no. I was planning on taking it to the grave, and forgetting that it ever happened. 2) If I was going to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell someone who knows people from his work, and all my friends would keep it a secret.
As it was, I hadn't told anyone. I was trying to go to sleep and hopefully waking up to it being a dream. My friends were now all raging at me that it was spreading through our town before they knew.
So, been awake about an hour, everyone knew and all my friends hated me.. what a day this was turning out to be.
Well, I shouldn't say all my friends, one of them still spoke to me.
Okay, you get the basic gist of whats lead up to this.. now take a moment and wonder how this is going to progress, you probably have three clear paths in your mind. 1) A relationship 'blossomed' 2) We did what I suggested and wanted and remained friends 3) We don't speak and everything is fucked up.
1) hahahahahahaha don't make me laugh. I have more chance of fitting into a size 4 dress than that.
2) ahhahahahahaha don't make me laugh. As though anything would ever be simple. It could have been.. but no no.
3) Well duh.
Its so annoying. Its like he is pretending everything is fine... but isn't speaking to me. Ive made the effort like... three times? I'm sick of it. Yet I want to still keep making the effort because if I don't then imma loose him and I miss him as a friend so much.
Like, its different having boy mates and girl mates, I don't care what you say. With girls its gonna be all bitchy, your gonna get judged and moaned about. It wasn't like that.. I was a 'bro', and I know I helped him through some stuff. I don't care if he tries to deny it. I did.
I don't get how he can just not speak to me. Like fair enough if I was like mad deluded and thought he cared or something and in reality I was dragging him out once a week. But it wasn't.
I don't know if he thinks I have suddenly changed my mind about all my life principals and now want a relationship or will expect something.. or have developed feelings... no. It's just sex. Please put on your big boy pants and get over it. I just want to be normal again, be friends, go for food, watch family guy. BE BACK TO NORMAL.
And I don't understand how he can be unaffected by this.
And its doing my head in.
And I want to cry.
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