Way To Ruin Christmas Mum.

I dont understand why my mother must ruin everything.
And then its fine for her to go in a mood with us but not for us to be in a mood with her.
So if we are moody we have 'ruined christmas' but for us its fine when she fucks off into the biggest rant of the century.

NO.

Honestly wish I could move out.  Anyone in East Scotland wanting a housemate who can pay like a tenner a week? No?

Scottish Slang Part One

So cause I cant sleep ive spent the night so far watching the accent tag on Youtube which I really want to do but havent posted on Youtube before so moved onto the Scottish Accent explained? But in all the videos ive seen they have all been from the west coast, near Glasgow and havent been able to find any from the East Coast where i'm from.  I didnt realise how different we said stuff, or words they dont say that we do.

So instead of doing a Youtube video I decided i'd just type it up here.  So here are words that are just generally used in Scotland or possibly only people from the East Coast or my area (Tayside/Angus) say.

A

aboot - about.
Kinda obvious I would think. So 'Is your Mum aboot', 'Whats your book aboot?'

ahbudy - everybody
'Ahhbudy was there'  

ahcunt - everybody
'Ahcunt was there'

ah - all
'It was raining ah over' - 'It was raining all over'

anno - i know
'Its October' 'Aye anno'

aryt (awrite, alright, alreet) - Hi.
Well people from my area say it as hi - 'aryt lads' would be hiya guys.  Can also be 'you alreet/alright' meaning 'are you okay?'.  
Awrite is just the way people announce it in my area.
I dont think many people say alreet - me and my friends say it in a kind of Newcastle-ish accent 'You alreet love' 

awa - away
'Awa to bed'

aff - off
'Fuck aff'

aye - yes.
'Did you have a good time?' 'Aye it was okay'

ave - i have/have.
'Ave done my makeup' or if it was a conversation like 'You done your homework?' 'Aye ave you?'  I think ave is more just not pronouncing whereas ave is more regional?

B

bairn - child
'Your acting like a bairn' 'Your acting like a child'

baltic - freezing
Really cold, 'It's baltic in here'

balling (bawlin) - crying
'Shes bawlin' her eyes out' - 'Shes crying a lot'

bawbag - idiot (more of a West Coast saying but I know a few people who have adopted it around here)
'Hes a pure bawbag' - 'Hes a total idiot'
Me and my friends will say it more of a joke like 'Aryt bawbag' would just be us saying hi. 

burd - girlfriend
I hate this saying, its horrible, if anyone described me as their burd I would knock them out.  
But yeah its a name for your girlfriend like 'I'm with my burd'. (Actually we would say 'Eh'm wee meh burd' but i havent got round to explaining those words yet)

bevvy - alcoholic drink
I think its more older people that say this, 'You having a bevvy tonight' would be are you having a drink tonight.

blootered - drunk
'You're blootered' 'I was totally blootered last night'

bonny - pretty
'You're looking bonny' or 'caught bonny' which is like you were caught blatantly doing something while trying not to be caught.

boaby - police/penis
Boaby would be a word for a policeman, I can't think of a sentence I would use it in, but yeah.
Or penis, but thats more common I suppose? 'He's got a tiny boaby' - 'He has a small penis'

bowfin - smelly, smell really bad
'Mate your bowfin' - 'Mate you smell'

bra/braw - brilliant, good, great etc
'I had a bra lunch' 'That film was braw'

belter - idiot
'You're an absolute belter'  'Oh my god what a belter'

bellend - idiot again
'You're a bellend'

beamer - to have a red face [also known as a minter] or to embarrass someone/be embarrassed/be an embarrassment
'You're a total beamer' 'I have an absolute beamer' 'She gave me a total beamer' 'I have a beamer for her'

C

cannae/canny - can't
'No I canny do that'

clathes (claes) - clothes
'I'll need to go home for clean claes'

cunt - its an insult for someone
This one has a lot of meanings, where I grew up it was a word that was one of the 'bad swear words'. My age group now say it all the time. 
I call my friends it, like 'Ayrt you cunt' as in 'Hi'.
It can be an insult - 'You're a total cunt'  
Used in general 'Ahcunt was there/Naecunt was there'
For someone who's being moody or is in a bad mood 'Stop being a cunt'
Sometimes it's used as another word for vagina but thats horrible and really really slang

chookter - someone from Fife (Fife is in Scotland)
This one also has a few meanings but like I said I'm trying to do the ones from my area.
So if someone was from Fife you would say they were a chookter.
Can also mean someone from the country like a farmer.

chokin - need
I couldn't think of like a proper discription.  'Im chokin for a drink'  'I really need a drink'

cirby - hair pin [kirby]
I think they are also known as bobby pins? They are a bit of metal which is bent over on itself, usually straight one side and wavy the other?

D

dingys - yeah right
If someone says something thats bullshit you would be like 'Eh dingys'

daunder/dawnder - walk
'You want to go on a daunder later?'

dobber - idiot
Never really gets used anymore 'You're a dobber'

doss - good
'Thats pure doss man' 'Last night was doss'

drookit - soaking
'Its drookit out there' 'You're drookit'

driech - means its a horrible day [dree kuh]
Usually cold, wet, miserable, drizzling, cloudy (AKA everyday in Scotland)

doon - down
'Im going doon to the shops'

dogging - sex in a car in public
I didnt know this was just a Scottish thing, but if you were to go out at night on your own in your car and went to certain areas and (I think) you put your hazard lights on?  So you would be parked in a car park or a park or at some sort of a spot where doggers go and you would put on your lights - i'm not actually sure what happens from there.  I presume someone walks over to your car, or you walk to theirs? I dont know the code haha! But then yeah you would go have sex with a stranger, with people in the other cars probably watching.  I think you can also bring someone with you and have sex and have other people watch.
I feel like Ive rambled about dogging too much.

dinnae/dinny - don't
'Dinnae do that'

dae - do
'Did you dae the washing up?'

didnae - didn't
'I didnae see anyone today'

dead - really
'Aww thats dead good' 'He's dead good looking'

diddy - did he
'Diddy dae that?'

down it - drink all of your drink
'I was running late so I just downed it'

dafty - someone who is daft/idiot
'You're a pure dafty'

dunt - drugs/hitting yourself on something
'So and so loves a dunt', 'So and so is buying a dunt'.  
 'I totally dunted my head on that door' 'He took a dunt to the head getting out the car'

E

eh - I, what, yeah
'Eh didnae dae that' [said ehh, start of execution - 'ehh'xecution] 
If someones says something and you don't catch it you would say 'Eh?' [said more 'Aye/A'? not ehh, ahh or iye] 
'Eh whatever you say' [said same way as first one]

emma - i am
'Emma go to the shops'

eejit - idiot
'What an eejit'

erse - arse/bum
'Stop being an erse'

F

fousty - old, damp, smelly, off, mouldy
'Eww its all fousty' 'It smells fousty in here'

fearin - scared
'I'm fearin after watching that'

fud - insult
'He is such a fud at times'

fag - ciggarette
'I really need a fag'

fanny - idiot/vagina
'Stop being a fanny'

fit - what/hot
Really only used in Aberdeenshire as far as i'm aware 'Fit did you say?'
'He is proper fit'

fit like - how are you
Again only in Aberdeen 'Fit like' 'No bad yourself?'

fae - from
'Where you fae?' 

fuck aff - really?
'Spice girls are back together' 'Fuck aff are they?'

fancy man - boyfriend
My friend used to call her Mums boyfriend her Mums fancyman



Its now 04.56am, I shall continue this another day.  As it is, I have to get up in three hours to get parts for my car, I will be dead if I dont sleep.

Stranger in a familiar world.

I don't know why but for the last few weeks I've been such a depressed wee soul.  I don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself - but I kind of do.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just down ALL the time.

I feel like there is no point in me living at home.  I don't feel like I belong at all.

Ever since I got my car I'm at my house less and less frequently and I feel like I'm living as a guest - I don't feel like part of the family.  Even before I got my car actually.  Sure me and my Dad are close but not in the way I could tell him everything.

Surely that's what family should be?  People you can come home and tell everything to.  My family seriously know so little about me.  I feel like I'm a stranger to them.  I don't feel like I can tell them anything.

Me and my Mum don't get on at all.  Like, at all.  Sometimes fair enough we will have a cute day and spend it together or I'll be nice to her and we will hug and stuff.  But we never talk.  Never share.  Whenever we have days together she usually takes me shopping and it's come to the point where I think she thinks she needs to buy me things for me to 'like' her for a day.  I realise that comes across as me being a petulant teenager who is demanding she buys me things - so totally far from the truth.  I don't 'like' her because of that, just if we are spending the day together then I will make an effort to be nice.  But it always seems like an effort.  She's such a downright nasty person sometimes.  Not a nasty parent like not letting me have my own way or anything - I mean like a mean human being.  And she's on drugs all the time.  Fair enough its not hardcore drugs but how can she not think that its gonna fuck me up in some way?

I feel like I'm being fake and portraying the image of someone who cares.  I feel like this in most of my life actually.  Like I'm putting someone across that other people will like, or who people expect me to be.

I was speaking to my best friend the other night and there is like nothing for me to be here for.  If I wasn't here any more nothing would change.  Mum and Dad would be upset but I don't feel like anyone else would care.  Sure, my best friend would.  Maybe a couple others would be a bit upset but there's nothing for me here.  I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here - not straight away, but in the long run.  Nothing else would be affected, nobody would care in the long run.

I could spend the next few weeks going to college, going to work and then going home and I don't think anyone would even be concerned.

I used to use pain when I felt like this - it was a couple of years ago and it hasn't crossed my mind to start doing it again since until now.  It used to feel better, like something only I knew, a way to actually feel something.  I feel as though its a way for me to get some of the pain in my head out.   I know I shouldn't.  But it might be something that will help me get back on track.

All I have wanted to do recently is sit in my room and cry.  I've actually (and I don't care how pathetic it sounds) cried to sleep for the last three nights.

Nobody can help - there's nothing they can say.

Need to get out this on my own I guess.

emotionally dead vs emotional wreak

See when you have created a situation and you pretty much know its all your fault and have no idea how to change it? WELCOME TO MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I had a perfectly good thing going on, but no no, had to go ruin it.

Basically had the best person in the world as a friend - a total fuck up and not right in the head, bit of a cunt.. perfect! There was never anyway I was getting judged, or looked down on.. anything!

Even when everyone was convinced there was more than friendship there it was easy to deny because there genuinely wasn't - or if there was I wasn't about to ruin a friendship on a stupid wee crush.  So, agreed? no feelings. good.

We talked about everything.. like.. everything.  I didn't think there was anything I couldn't say.  There was never awkward silences.  I used to be so close to them, at least once a week we would go get food, and have a good catch up and a laugh.

We used to.. I cant actually emphasise enough how much I used to share with them.  If there was any family problems it would be them that I would go to, if my other friends were being cunts it would be them that I would phone up nearly crying and pick up in the car and they would always make me feel better, or at least take my mind off of it for a while.

It wasn't one sided - I mean, I tried my hardest to be there for them too, and I think they appreciated it.  Whenever they were upset I'd try to help, I'd let them hang about if there was nowhere else for them to go - I let them sleep in my fucking bed while I made food for them for crying out loud.

Everyone had an opinion on what was going on, sure, some stuff had went on but I was determined that it wouldn't change anything.  Or go any further.  So it was easy for me to tell people nothing was happening - because nothing was!

Then being the fucking bright spark I am, I decided that going home to theirs after a night out would be the best idea in the world.  Yeah, good choice there.  After trying (and failing) to sneak out the next morning, I said nothing would change - it was just sex.

I genuinely feel that.  I don't see why sex has to complicate things.  I don't see why you have to have feelings for someone to sleep with them - why cant you just care about them like a friend?  I don't know if I'm being 'slutty' but I've always thought like that, and whats more, he knows I feel like that cause I've done things like that before.

Probably didn't help that after I went to mines and fell into bed I got texts because everyone had found out.

Now, this is the part where it gets.. complicated.  Someone in his work made a joke that we had slept together and being the fucking idiot he is, and the worlds worst liar, pretty much was noway he was getting out of that one.  Clearly it didn't run through his mind that 1) I had been home for about 30 minutes, why would the first thing I do be to tell everyone I know about us? no. I was planning on taking it to the grave, and forgetting that it ever happened. 2) If I was going to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell someone who knows people from his work, and all my friends would keep it a secret.

As it was, I hadn't told anyone.  I was trying to go to sleep and hopefully waking up to it being a dream.  My friends were now all raging at me that it was spreading through our town before they knew.

So, been awake about an hour, everyone knew and all my friends hated me.. what a day this was turning out to be.

Well, I shouldn't say all my friends, one of them still spoke to me.

Okay, you get the basic gist of whats lead up to this.. now take a moment and wonder how this is going to progress, you probably have three clear paths in your mind.  1) A relationship 'blossomed' 2) We did what I suggested and wanted and remained friends 3) We don't speak and everything is fucked up.

1) hahahahahahaha don't make me laugh.  I have more chance of fitting into a size 4 dress than that.
2) ahhahahahahaha don't make me laugh.  As though anything would ever be simple.  It could have been.. but no no.
3) Well duh.

Its so annoying.  Its like he is pretending everything is fine... but isn't speaking to me.  Ive made the effort like... three times?  I'm sick of it.  Yet I want to still keep making the effort because if I don't then imma loose him and I miss him as a friend so much.

Like, its different having boy mates and girl mates, I don't care what you say.  With girls its gonna be all bitchy, your gonna get judged and moaned about.  It wasn't like that.. I was a 'bro', and I know I helped him through some stuff.  I don't care if he tries to deny it.  I did.

I don't get how he can just not speak to me.  Like fair enough if I was like mad deluded and thought he cared or something and in reality I was dragging him out once a week.  But it wasn't.

I don't know if he thinks I have suddenly changed my mind about all my life principals and now want a relationship or will expect something.. or have developed feelings... no.  It's just sex. Please put on your big boy pants and get over it.  I just want to be normal again, be friends, go for food, watch family guy.  BE BACK TO NORMAL.

And I don't understand how he can be unaffected by this.

And its doing my head in.

And I want to cry.

nod, leave, cry, sleep, repeat.

I'm so upset right now, sitting in my bed crying, feeling so lonely. can't let anyone know though, because what would I tell them? mum and dad would just hug me and tell me they are sorry but they shouldn't be. I know I needed the lecture. but sometimes it feels like they don't care. no that's not right. they care, I know they care so much.

dad just came through from the living room, I hid under my covers and pretended to be asleep. so he wouldn't come in to speak to me, cause he would see me crying. what am I supposed to say? act like a child and say I'm crying cause he and mum are arguing? well can't do that. I'm crying because I got a lecture that I deserved and because I know how much work I have to put in to make them proud of me. he just went to the bathroom and went back through, a small part of me wishes he checked on me. attention seeking I suppose.

sometimes I think I don't try so I can't fail. so that if I don't try I can say yeah well I didnt try instead of yeah I gave that the best shot I could and still failed? yeah that makes sense. if I don't have goals I can't be disappointed.

it makes me feel like I have no right to be upset, it's my own fucking fault anyway. now I feel like I'm attention seeking. to be honest this whole post seems a bit attention seekin. but whatever, sometimes you need to let things out. it's one of the only places that are still safe.

it's horrible, not being able to trust anyone. some people I can talk to and not trust and some people I can trust and not talk to. then there are the ones that I have no idea what's happening. I don't know whether I can trust them. then there's the ones that I don't want to speak to anymore but that I can't trust to keep my secrets if we stop speaking. it's all my own fault though.

I don't know why I'm such a failure.

cause that's what it all comes down to. I've not done as well as I thought. always thought I would be one of the smart people that would go from school straight to university and have a career goal in mind. nope. college to do something I have no interest in. I think it comes down to the fact I'm disappointed in myself and can't really deal with anyone else's disappointment too.

Getting ahead of myself?

Nothing usually bugs me more than teenage girls getting ahead of themselves in life. By 16 if you hadn't had sex or were ready to have it you were a rarity where I came from. And after you have went through that fumbling, completely unerotic experience with someone you never really want to speak to again, you now have to start the life long cycle of finding the next guy. The next guy to show to your friends, the next guy to take home to meet the parents, the next guy to make you feel good. At the time it all seems very relevant but as I sit and think to myself of what age these girls are it seems so rushed! At the ripe old age of 17, starting to feel as though you will never find a man should not be what you are thinking about!
It's my personal opinion that the younger you experiment with sex, the more likely it is that you mature too fast and that's where this new era of women in their early 20s looking for a man to settle down with comes from! If your getting things like sex and serious boyfriends started that early it's inevitable that you will get bored of the dating game by a younger age. Sometimes I feel myself wishing I had someone to cuddle in with, someone to kiss when I feel like it, someone to be there for me. Fair enough, that can all come with a casual boyfriend but at this age the cynicism that comes with trying to find a half decent man is probably going to ruin me by the time I'm 25 and I'll die alone with cats. These days it's all about being skinny and fabulous, and with more and more young girls becoming promiscuous so early, it's no wonder men think they can afford to be picky!
It scares me that I feel as though my life is slipping away, just because I don't have a serious boyfriend at 17! The fact I sit and wonder if I will ever find a husband is stupid, most women don't even meet their husbands until well into their 20's.
Everyone just needs to slow down, in this age of indepandant women, shouldn't we have the luxury of waiting for a man to find us?