I'm so upset right now, sitting in my bed crying, feeling so lonely. can't let anyone know though, because what would I tell them? mum and dad would just hug me and tell me they are sorry but they shouldn't be. I know I needed the lecture. but sometimes it feels like they don't care. no that's not right. they care, I know they care so much.
dad just came through from the living room, I hid under my covers and pretended to be asleep. so he wouldn't come in to speak to me, cause he would see me crying. what am I supposed to say? act like a child and say I'm crying cause he and mum are arguing? well can't do that. I'm crying because I got a lecture that I deserved and because I know how much work I have to put in to make them proud of me. he just went to the bathroom and went back through, a small part of me wishes he checked on me. attention seeking I suppose.
sometimes I think I don't try so I can't fail. so that if I don't try I can say yeah well I didnt try instead of yeah I gave that the best shot I could and still failed? yeah that makes sense. if I don't have goals I can't be disappointed.
it makes me feel like I have no right to be upset, it's my own fucking fault anyway. now I feel like I'm attention seeking. to be honest this whole post seems a bit attention seekin. but whatever, sometimes you need to let things out. it's one of the only places that are still safe.
it's horrible, not being able to trust anyone. some people I can talk to and not trust and some people I can trust and not talk to. then there are the ones that I have no idea what's happening. I don't know whether I can trust them. then there's the ones that I don't want to speak to anymore but that I can't trust to keep my secrets if we stop speaking. it's all my own fault though.
I don't know why I'm such a failure.
cause that's what it all comes down to. I've not done as well as I thought. always thought I would be one of the smart people that would go from school straight to university and have a career goal in mind. nope. college to do something I have no interest in. I think it comes down to the fact I'm disappointed in myself and can't really deal with anyone else's disappointment too.
